Unsolved Problems

It's time....time to stop focussing on the behaviour and start solving those problems (or, at least, identifying them....).
Okay, let's identify those problems, so we can start the New Year solving them!

Remember (as I've explained in previous posts), challenging behaviour is not "the problem". The problem, or unsolved problems, are examples of times when a child's lagging skills are making it difficult to respond adaptively to specific demands. Challenging behaviour is an indicator that your child is lagging skills.

I know...I keep saying I'm going to write about collaborative problem solving and then I start writing about something else....like lagging skills.

Be patient with me a little while longer.

You ask your child to do his/her homework and he/she has a meltdown. What expectation is the child having difficulty meeting? The problem is that he's not doing his homework (note: the problem is not the difficult behaviour). When identifying the unsolved problem, keep free of challenging behaviour and adult theories and try to be specific. He has difficulty doing his homework after school, before supper, after supper? Does he have difficulty with all homework or just math, english, science? Is it the writing, reading? So these are some of the skills he may be lacking. Dr Ross Greene has a worksheet for writing down those unsolved problems and identifying some of your child's lagging skills; the ALSUP. Print it out and start using it. As I've identified in this paragraph, there may be a lot of lagging skills behind each problem.....don't worry about it. As you (and your child) solve the problem, the lagging skills will be taught indirectly.

So write your list.....all the problems you want to help your child solve. Dr. Greene suggests you choose at most 3 unsolved problems to work on at one time, beginning with the problems that are the most severe and the most frequent. I would just start with one and as you solve that one, you can tackle the next. You've identified the unsolved problems!

In my next post, I will have you find the Plan B Flowchart and help you with the steps of the collaborative problem solving technique!

The Three Options for Solving Problems

So I'll get right into it....

You've asked your child to do something and he has a meltdown. What do you do?

Well, first you need to understand that you're child would do well (would do what you asked) if he could....okay....this one is a hard one....especially in the heat of the moment. But things aren't always what they seem. The most important theme of Dr. Greene's model is the belief that if kids could do well they would do well. In other words, if the kid had the skills to exhibit adaptive behavior, he wouldn’t be exhibiting challenging behaviour. If you haven't looked at Dr. Greene's "Lives in the Balance website"....you really should. Here it is:  http://www.livesinthebalance.org/. The website explains that "the definition of good parenting, good teaching, and good treatment is being responsive to the hand you’ve been dealt." Okay, so you're understanding that "Challenging behavior occurs when the demands of the environment exceed a kid’s capacity to respond adaptively". Clearly, your child does not have the capacity to adequately respond to your request (or demand....whatever it is you need him to do). Great...but the kid is having a meltdown....ah!

What are those three options for solving problems?
The site says....."There are three ways in which adults try to solve problems with kids: Plan A (which is unilateral problem solving), Plan C (dropping the problem completely), and Plan B (that's the one you want to get really good at)."

Let's look at Plan A: Well, seeing there is a meltdown, Plan A definitely didn't work!

Plan A requires handling a problem or expectation through the imposition of adult will. So if your child isn’t meeting a given expectation, you respond by imposing your will; saying things like, “No,” “You must,” or “you can’t”....that's Plan A and it will greatly heighten the likelihood of an explosion.

So we move on....to crisis management....defuse, de-escalate, keep everyone safe. And this is probably where we would implement Plan C. Yes, drop your expectation. This is where the book, "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie can come in handy.....http://www.thework.com.

At the moment your child is having a meltdown, you pick yourself up and perform emergency Plan C, you drop your expectation. It's Okay. For children that have a mountain of problems, you may want to drop many of your expectations. And use proactive Plan C; create a list of "issues" you've all agreed will be dealt with in the future.

But how will we deal with these issues in the future? This is where we use Plan B: The Collaborative Problem Solving Approach. You will have to identify your child's "unsolved problems". What skills is he lacking that precipitate the challenging episodes? Then choose two or three high-priority unsolved problems you want to solve. Now you're ready for Plan B! What the following video from LivesIntheBalance.

I'm going to have to leave you here. I know we're not ready for Plan B yet! In my next blog, I will help you identify those "unsolved problems".....and then you can start Plan B....

The Explosive Child: The Collaborative Problem Solving Approach

Dr. Ross Greene was speaking at the Centennial Theatre in North Vancouver last week. His delivery of the "collaborative problem solving approach (CPS)" has improved since I first heard of his work 5 years ago. And...the term "collaborative problem solving approach" will change....legal issues....

Anyway, I'm assuming you read my previous two posts. Remember...Explosive outbursts occur when the cognitive demands being placed upon the child (or person) outstrip that person’s capacity to respond adaptively. These kids are not "attention-seeking, manipulative, coercive, unmotivated, and limit-testing". Their parents are not "passive, permissive, inconsistent, noncontingent disciplinarians". Dr. Greene explained and it's written in "The Lives in Balance" website, "We now know that they (the children) are lacking skills, not motivation...skills like flexibility/ adaptability, frustration tolerance, and problem solving. That knowledge makes it possible for us to help these kids in ways that are much more humane, compassionate, and effective."

Anyway, Dr. Greene's workshop was very clear and informative and, basically, I feel like I can get started with his CPS model right away....with all my children....with everyone....it's really what we all should be doing....but I will not sit here right now and explain it to you because, honestly, I don;t have the time....instead, I'll write a series of blogs (what fun!) and we'll navigate the website The Lives in Balance together.

"The Lives in Balance" website is a great place to get started....but how to get started???? We first have to understand that:


Kids Do Well If They Can

This is the most important theme of Dr. Greene's model: the belief that if kids could do well they would do well. In other words, if the kid had the skills to exhibit adaptive behavior, he wouldn’t be exhibiting challenging behavior. That’s because doing well is always preferable to not doing well.

If we don't believe this, then the children won't. Along the way, they will start to believe that they can't do well. We need to believe in them. Watch Dr. Greene's explanation of Kids do well if they can. Watch Dr. Greene as he explains that "Your explanation for a kid's is challenging behavior has major implications for how you'll try to help." And you've noticed all the other video clips....

On my next blog entry, I'll look into the three options for solving problems, and then...we'll finally look at plan B and we can start solving problems collaboratively.....!

oh....by the way....you might want to subscribe to my posts...see links on the right. Eventually, I will figure out how to blog on my iPhone and then it will be way too difficult/confusing for me to email all my articles.

Workshop: Collaborative Problem Solving

http://workshops.jackhirose.com/JHA_Workshop.php?id=108

Collaborative Problem Solving - a summary of The Explosive Child

“Children do well if they can,” explained Ross Greene in his book, The Explosive Child. Children do not choose to be explosive. Explosive outbursts occur when the cognitive demands being placed upon the child (or person) outstrip that person’s capacity to respond adaptively. Explosive children need to develop flexibility and frustration tolerance. Mastery of these skills is crucial to a child’s overall development. In order to adapt and interact in the world, children require the ability to solve problems, work out disagreements, and control the emotions experienced when frustrated.

Most parenting books work on the belief that “children are capable of behaving appropriately; but they don’t want to”. And the usual explanation is “their parents are poor disciplinarians”. Popular strategies aimed at motivating compliant behaviour and “teaching the child who’s boss” won’t lead to a productive outcome. In fact, behaviour management programs actually increase the frequency and intensity of a child’s explosions and cause interaction with the child to worsen. Why? Because reward and punishment programs don’t teach the skills of flexibility and frustration tolerance. They actually teach inflexibility! Being inflexible yourself (by sticking to a behaviour management program) doesn’t help your child be more flexible. And getting punished and not receiving an anticipated reward makes kids more frustrated, not less.

Your child is already very motivated to do well; he/she needs to develop new skills. Dr. Greene calls these skills “pathways”. These are specific thinking skills, the absence of which leads to explosive behaviour. These skills need to be trained; without reward and punishment programs; no sticker charts and time-outs. The skills required for flexibility and frustration tolerance are executive skills, language processing, emotion regulation, cognitive flexibility, and social skills. A list and description of these skills is available in Table 1: Pathways. Note that there are no diagnoses on the list and inept parenting and poor discipline aren’t on the list either!

Table 1: Pathways

Thinking Skills	Description
Executive skills	Shifting cognitive set- from one mind-set to another Organization and planning – organizing a coherent plan to deal with a problem or frustration Separation of affect – separating your emotional response to a problem from the thinking you need to do to solve the problem. And guess what, these skills don’t actually develop until age 10! So expecting your child to have a skill that he/she isn’t developmentally ready for is just asking for more explosive outburst and sets the stage for low self-esteem and low-confidence.
Language processing skills	Language skills are important in helping humans reflect, self-regulate, set goal, and manage goals. The three specific language skills: Categorizing and expressing emotions (frustration) Identifying and articulating one’s needs Solving problems
Emotion regulation skills “Many children’s irritability and anxiety can be traced back to chronic problems that have perpetually gone unsolved.” Dr. Greene	Children who are in an irritable, agitated, cranky, and fatigued mood most of the time (for whatever reason) are compromised in the capacity of flexibility and frustration tolerance.
Cognitive flexibility skills	Children think in black and white and only as they develop do they learn that, in fact, most things in life are “gray”. Some children do not develop this as readily as we might wish.
Social skills	Social interactions require flexibility, complex thinking, and rapid processing. Social interactions are frustrating for children who lag in these skills.

How do we train our children to develop the skills necessary for flexibility and frustration tolerance? The first step is understanding that a child’s behaviour is not planned, intentional, goal-oriented, and purposeful. We stop labeling children as stubborn, willful, manipulative, attention-seeking, controlling, out of control, and defiant. We must also understand that the behaviour is not the problem; it is a symptom of the underlying problem. We are not looking to solve the behaviour. We need to solve the problem. By solving the problem, we will ultimately change a child’s behaviour. Dr. Greene suggests that the problem is the triggers or events that precipitate explosive outburst.

Most explosions are highly predictable and Dr. Greene suggests that parents identify these triggers or events that precipitate explosive outburst. Problems or unmet expectations can be solved three ways; using Plan A (by imposing your will….and we know that will just heighten the likelihood of an explosion), B (collaborative problem solving), or C (dropping the expectation). Table 2 contains brief explanations for Plan A and Plan C. Parents need to avoid Plan A, consider using Plan C to reduce explosions and help stabilized your child and, finally, use proactive collaborative problem solving (Plan B).

Table 2: Three plans for problem solving

Plan A	Plan B	Plan C
Handling a problem or expectation through the imposition of adult will. So if your child isn’t meeting a given expectation, you respond by imposing your will; saying things like, “No,” “You must,” or “you can’t”. Plan A greatly heightens the likelihood of an explosion.	Collaborative Problem Solving	Plan C involves dropping an expectation completely and helps prevent an explosion. Many kids can be stabilized and helped to be more available by temporarily reducing expectations through the use of plan C. Plan C is not the equivalent of giving in. Giving in is what happens when you start off by using Plan A and end up using Plan C because your child made your life miserable. When you intentionally use Plan C, you are proactively deciding to drop a given expectation.

With Collaborative problem solving, the parent (or adult) and child discuss and work out mutually satisfactory solutions to the problems that have been causing the child to behave maladaptive.  Your role is to do the thinking for your child that he/she is incapable of doing on his/her own; serve as your child’s tour guide through frustration. In this way, you will help him/her learn the skills (that your child is lacking from Table 1) to successfully navigate frustrations and demands for flexibility.

Collaborative problem solving can be used two ways; emergency Plan B and Proactive Plan B. Emergency plan B is used when a child is becoming frustrated. But this is not the best way to approach plan B as few of us do our clearest thinking when we are heated up. The best way to do Plan B is proactively. Since most explosions are highly predictable, identify triggers and solve the problem proactively; before it comes up again.

Collaborative problem solving requires three steps; Empathy (plus reassurance), define the problem, and the invitation. In order to successfully accomplish Plan B, all three steps must be completed in the order described. Table 3 summarizes each step and contains an example on how it’s used on a common trigger.

Table 3: The three steps in Plan B

Empathy	Define the problem	Invitation
Empathy keeps the child calm and ensures the child that his concern is on the table. You empathize by repeating the child’s concern back to him, sticking closely to his exact words (i.e. reflective listening). Child: the medicine is making me sick to my stomach Adult (empathy): the medicine is making you sick to your stomach. Usually the child will not verbalize his concern; he will simply state his solution, “I am not taking my medicine.” You need to find out what the child’s concern is by asking, “what’s up?” Also, try not to make assumptions about what the child wants. If he asks for Pizza, don’t assume he’s hungry. And sometimes empathy isn’t enough to calm him down; offer reassurance. Child: I want pizza Adult (initial empathy): You want pizza. What’s up? Child: I’m hungry Adult (refined empathy, plus reassurance): You’re hungry. I’m not saying you can’t have pizza. Try to use Proactive Plan B as much as possible: Adult (empathy, Proactive Plan B): I know that your medicine has been making you sick to your stomach and that you are not too happy about that.	Adult places his or her concern on the table. The problem is the two concerns (the child’s and the adult’s) that have yet to be reconciled. Note that adults are just as prone to placing solutions on the table (instead of concerns). Adult (empathy, Proactive Plan B): I know that your medicine has been making you sick to your stomach and that you are not too happy about that. Child: Yeah. Adult (define the problem): I’m not too happy about it either. The thing is, I’m a little worried about what will happen if we just yank you off the meds without talking to the doctor. Plus, the medicine seems to be helping you control your temper a little better.	The child and adult brainstorm potential solutions to the problem. It is called the invitation because the adult is actually inviting the child to solve the problem collaboratively. Adult: “Let’s think about how we can solve this problem” or “Let’s think about how we can work that out.” The invitation lets the child know that solving the problem is something you’re doing with him, rather than to him.  After he’s been invited, give him first crack at generating a solution, “Do you have any ideas?” The solution must be mutually satisfactory, doable and realistic. Note: If you already know how the problem is going to be solved before the discussion takes place, then you are not using plan B – You’re using plan A.

If your child doesn’t have the skills to participate in Plan B, you can guide him through the process. Table 4 addresses some of the skills your child may lack and how to address them.

Table 4: Three Skills Needed to participate in Plan B

Identifying and Articulating Concerns	Considering a range of possible solutions	Reflect on the likely outcomes of solutions and the degree to which they are feasible and mutually satisfactory
Some kids truly don’t know what their concern is; others simply do not have the language skills to articulate their concerns. Try to help your child identify his concern. Adult: I’ve noticed that the labels in your clothing bug you a lot. Child: Yeah. Parent: And I’ve noticed that it’s not so easy for you to say that the labels are bugging you. Child: It’s not? Parent: Well, when the labels are bothering you, sometimes you scream and say words that aren’t very nice. Child: Oh, yeah. Parent: So I was thinking that maybe we could come up with a way for you to say that the labels are bugging you without you saying words that aren’t nice. Can you think of any ideas for what you could say? Child: No Parent: I have an idea. Would you like to hear it? Child: OK. Parent: How about “The label’s bothering me.”? Child: Uhm…OK. Parent: Do you think you might be able to say that instead of the other things you usually say? Child: I think so. Parent: If you forget, how about I remind you?	Teach you kids that the solution to most problems fall into three categories: ask for help meet halfway/give a little do it a different way. So when a child (or adult) gets stuck and cannot think of a solution, ask “can we solve the problem by asking for help” or “can we meet halfway?” or “can this problem be solved by doing things differently?”	You can help the child with these skills by describing the likely outcomes of the solutions that have been generated: “well, here’s what I think would happen if we choose that solution, and here’s what I think would happen if we choose the second option. Which of those outcomes do you think would work the best?” If the child is having difficulty thinking about whether solutions address both concerns, adults can respond as follows: “I know that solution would make you happy, but it wouldn’t make me very happy. Let’s try to think of a solution that would make both of us happy.”

Table 5 addresses other issues that may compromise the collaborative problem solving technique.

Table 5: Other things to consider

Language Processing Skills

Basic vocabulary of feeling words: Happy, Sad, frustrated (or angry, mad, upset if he can’t say the word frustrated). Once a child becomes comfortable with and begins using this rudimentary vocabulary, more sophisticated feeling words can be added.

Siblings

Fair does not mean equal! So do not be concerned if the explosive child requires a larger share of the parents’ resources. Help siblings understand why their explosive sibling acts they way he does, why the behavior is so difficult to change, how to interact with him in ways that reduce hostility and the likelihood of aggression and explosion, and explain what you are actively doing to try to improve things.

Children do not choose to be explosive. Explosive outbursts occur when the cognitive demands being placed upon the child (or person) outstrip that person’s capacity to respond adaptively. Children do well if they can. In order to adapt and interact in the world, children require the ability to solve problems, work out disagreements, and control the emotions experienced when frustrated. Parents can help them develop these skills with collaborative problem solving. 

Technology Transforming Learning

Sarah’s story started with a struggle to learn in a conventional learning environment. When she went to Kenneth Gordon Maplewood School her dyslexia wasn’t treated as a barrier; it is an opportunity to look at things differently. Sarah seized that opportunity, embracing the new laptops and special software provided by TELUS. Now, she’s excited about learning and is able to showcase her high intelligence.

Share the Giving and TELUS will donate $2 to Kenneth Gordon Maplewood

MindUP Program | The Hawn Foundation

MindUP Program | The Hawn Foundation

Workshop by Dr. Gabor Mate

When The Body Says No: Mind/Body Unity and the Stress-Disease Connection

Dr. Gabor Mate MD

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

8:30am - 3:30pm

Croatian Cultural Centre

(3250 Commercial Drive, Vancouver, B.C. Canada V5N 4E4)

Register by contacting the Children's Foundation: see link below

Stress is ubiquitous these days — it plays a role in the workplace, in the home, and virtually everywhere that people interact. It can take a heavy toll unless it is recognized and managed effectively and insightfully.
Western medicine, in theory and practice, tends to treat mind and body as separate entities. This separation, which has always gone against ancient human wisdom, has now been demonstrated by modern science to be not only artificial, but false. The brain and body systems that process emotions are intimately connected with the hormonal apparatus, the nervous system, and in particular the immune system. Emotional stress, especially of the hidden kind that people are not aware of, undermines immunity, disrupts the body's physiological milieu and can prepare the ground for disease. There is strong evidence to suggest that in nearly all chronic conditions, from cancer, ALS, or multiple sclerosis to autoimmune conditions like rheumatoid arthritis, inflammatory bowel disease or Alzheimer's, hidden stress is a major predisposing factor. In an important sense, disease in an individual can be seen as the “end point” of a multigenerational emotional process. If properly understood, these conditions can provide important openings for compassion and self-awareness, which in turn are major tools in recovery and healing.
Dr. Maté’s presentation includes research findings, compelling and poignant anecdotes from his own extensive experience in family practice and palliative care, and illuminating biographies of famous people such as athlete Lance Armstrong, the late comedienne Gilda Radner, or famed baseball legend Lou Gehrig.


Topics covered:
1. The mind/body unity as explained by modern science (psychoneuroimmunology); 
2. The nature of stress and its physiological consequences;
3. The three major stressors: Loss of Control, Uncertainty; and Conflict;
4. How the early environment “programs” us physiologically and psychologically
into chronically stressful patterns of feeling and behaviour;
5. Why stress remains hidden in our culture;
6. The stressful work environment: how to recognize it and transform it;

7. How to recognize stress and prevent it;
8. How the understanding of stress can inform and enhance clinical practice.

Kids Beyond Limits: Breakthrough Results for Children with Autism, Brain Damage, ADHD and Developmental Delays
Presented by: Anat Baniel 
Hosted by: Institute of HeartMath Education Coordinator Jeff Goelitz
On Saturday, June 9, 2012 

I was planning to write a blog from my notes…..but I don’t think that’s going to happen.  So here are my notes from the webinar. Please send me an email if you have any questions.

Movement is the language of the brain….Movement provides information to form cells. Brain can change under the right conditions.

We need to start from where they (the children) are….if your child can’t do it, trying to make them do it won’t work. Impossible to fix a human being. Nothing to fix. We can only evolve.

Stop looking at the limitations.

“connect before you correct” Jane Nelsen.

The changes need to occur in the brain, rather than physical therapy.

Information = perception of a difference.

We need to stop trying to make the child do what they can’t do. When you make them do it, they are learning that they can’t….becomes a barrier.

All children have special needs. A child is born with 22% of size of adult brain. All children brains can become “brilliant”!

Children have to learn everything.

The nine essentials

Babies randomness is actually learning differentiation. Randomness provides vast experiences.

Movement with attention: huge brain growth….attention to the self…not to the task or teacher…

The learning switch: only on for 20 mins at a time (at the most). Once there is a new learning….stop. The new connections are fragile,….harping will hinder the learning.

Subtlety:  Reducing the effort …they can feel things they never felt before…there is more learning. Don/t force them to stand …don’t make them work hard…make it as easy as possible. Work closely to where they are right now. Learning is emotional, cognitive and physical. Brain can’t learn under stress. …lazy land…emotional ease. Connect in here and now….ease…you can see the slight changes.

Variation: just provide variation…stop getting them to do it the right way.  Variation is the source of learning.

Slow: Enthusiasm: a skill adults need to focus on…children are usually good at this. Don’t clap….alarms the child…distracts them. Parents need to feel enthusiasm…without doing anything…there is a transmission to the child and this is what helps the child. Celebrate with quiet enthusiasm.

Flexible goals: put process ahead of the outcome. Create conditions for child to learn…celebrate small changes. A change is a change.

Imagination: turns the lights on throughout the brain. Allowing for new possibilities.

Awareness: child observing what’s going on …. Little infants are mega observers….transform limitations to possibilities. Let the brain patterns fire really quickly…makes the brain work on a hirer level.

Pay attention to what they feel as they move….once they start feeling what’s going on with them…they engage in all levels. 

Kids Beyond Limits: Breakthrough Results for Children with Autism, Brain Damage, ADHD and Developmental Delays

Free webinar on Saturday, June 9, 2012.
Presented by: Anat Baniel 
Hosted by: Institute of HeartMath Education Coordinator Jeff Goelitz
Date: Saturday, June 9, 2012 Time: 11 a.m. – 12 p.m. Noon PDT (GMT minus 8 hours)

How can parents and teachers and clinicians who treat children help those with special needs overcome challenges and dramatically improve a wide range of abilities? The Kids Beyond Limits webinar will offer remarkable insights and practical advice for children with disabilities.

Clinical psychologist and author Anat Baniel’s scientifically based, cutting-edge work has been transforming the lives of children and adults with special needs for 30 years. Movement is at the core of Baniel’s approach, and that means any activity within the body, including thoughts and emotions, that helps organize the brain. With intelligent movement, Baniel says, the brain immediately begins building billions of new neurological connections that usher in changes, learning and transformation. A new learning switch goes off inside the body that creates new possibilities.

read more

SPD Parent Support Meeting

SATURDAY FEBRUARY 25, 2012
12:30 - 2:00PM
following the theraputic listening seminar
Lynn Valley Library, Program Room


SPD Parent Support Meeting
For parents and caregivers of children with sensory issues.


Adgenda:
How to talk to your child about his/her Learning disability
Brainstorm other topics of interest for upcoming meetings
schedule next meeting

Entrance Fee: donation
refreshments served

Therapeutic Listening seminar

SATURDAY FEBRUARY 25, 2012
10:00AM - 11:30AM
Lynn Valley Library, Program Room


Theraputic Listening Seminar



Therapeutic Listening (as part of a Sensory Integration program) helps with a child’s life skills development; improving alertness, motor planning, emotional modulation, organisation, and verbal communication.


Entrance Fee: $10 at the door

Institute of HeartMath Webinar

Institute of HeartMath Webinar

more on Positive Discipline

Okay, so remember my last post? Back Talk and Disrespect? The information was taken from Jane Nelsen et al. (Positive Discilpine: A-Z). Well, according to The Institute on HeartMath, "author, speaker, educator, psychologist and counselor Dr. Jane Nelsen," is "one of today’s leading and most respected voices on the subject (of positive discipline)."
Sign-up for the free webinar on Cultivating Positive Discipline for Children with Jane Nelsen, author/co-author of bestselling Positive Discipline series and HeartMath Education Specialist Jeff Goelitz.

Back Talk and Disrespect

"....but everyone at school back talks"! says John at our family meeting. Back Talk and disrespect was our main issue at this weeks family meeting. It's getting out of hand in our house....the back talk....with pointers from the book entitled "Positive Discipline" we spoke about the issue and talked about how to approach it.



John doesn't understand why everyone at school does it and wants me to talk to his teacher, so we can get everyone to stop....oh, if it was that easy....!

If anyone is interested in Jane Nelsen et al. (Positive Discilpine: A-Z) solutions to this issue, I "cut and paste" their comments above.