A Misbehaving Child

 Any child who is misbehaving is subconsciously saying, “I am a child, and I just want to belong, and I have some mistaken ideas about how to accomplish belonging.” Misbehaving children are discouraged children. Dreikurs said many times, “Children need encouragement, just as plants need water. They cannot survive without it.” The best way to help a misbehaving child is through encouragement. (adapted from Jane Nelsen, Positive Discipline)

But what does this mean? It is not easy to act encouraging toward a child who is misbehaving. What does encouragement look like? Remember that encouragement is the focus of positive discipline and every method discussed in the positive discipline approach is designed to help children (and adults) feel encouraged.

Last week, we looked at encouragement and other positive ways of communicating with our children. Just by changing our communication style, we can see positive results in our children’s behaviour. But what happens if the misbehaviour continues? What now? What have we overlooked? In our last class of this 4-week workshop, we will look at Driekurs concept of mistaken goals and learn how our own feeling are clues into our children’s mistaken beliefs. We’ll learn what to do about our children’s misbehavior, how to help them make amends, and truly turn difficult situations into wonderful learning opportunities.

Find Your Happy: Finding Happiness at Home

Is it really possible?

Thoughts of happiness (and the lack of) seem to be engulfing my mind lately. Not only am I trying to recall happy moments from our family summer trip (visit bloggingeasterncanada.blogspot.ca), but I’m exploring the happiness in my everyday life.

So, I’ve noticed my mood hasn’t been what I would like it to be. And honestly, I’ve always been a “glass half empty” girl. I work really (really) hard at appreciating what I have, but, honestly, it’s hard not to notice that things could be better. Why settle for half empty when you could have the whole thing?

But I’ve always bought into the idea of empowerment. We talk about empowering our children in Positive Discipline. We’ve all heard the phrases, “don’t be a victim”, “take control of your life”. But .... and here’s the big BUT....happiness and unhappiness are catching.

You know the daily drill....child wakes up crying, older kids don’t want to get out of bed, they’re SO TIRED! Kate can’t find her paper....that paper that was on the table last week! Someone must have taken it! There’s nothing to eat....there’s nothing to put in the kids lunch....at least that’s what the kids say....they’re all TIRED and oh, John doesn’t want to go to school....he’s sick....really, he’s sick and Jane is still crying...now louder because no one is paying attention to her....Kate stomps off shouting, “I hate you!” and that’s just the morning.

How did I create that tornado? Really, I don’t want to take ownership for that. I keep wondering how my days can possibly be happier if I have to put up with THEM?  But all of that (apparently) is normal. Data collected by John and Julie Gottmann of the Gottman Institute in Seattle reveals that having children (statistically) causes depression....I’m just a statistic. I’m doomed.

Research also says that family members affect each other’s happiness. I’m doomed….how can I find happiness when everyone is pouring their negativity on me? Happiness and unhappiness are catching. You can tell yourself you’re not going to get sick, but if someone with a horrible cold sneezes in your face....aren’t you going to get sick?

If you’re immersed in a clan of unhappy people, you will catch it....unhappiness. But I can’t give up…..I can’t be doomed(yes, I realize my article is full of contradictions!)

How do we find happiness at home? The two major thoughts my mind struggles with:

·      Happiness and Unhappiness are catching.

·      Fake it until you make it. That also applies to happiness.

Happiness and Unhappiness are Catching
Fake it (Happiness) until you make it (Happiness)

Haven’t I already covered that? My children, walking around (moping around) with issues and complaints (and most of them aren’t even teenagers yet), (my children) download their negatively on me everyday. How do I fight that? Statistically, I’m doomed! But Happiness is also catching (I won’t mention that as Gretchen Rubin writes in Happier at Home, “negative emotions are more catching than positive emotions, and persist longer, and one grouch can drag down an entire group very quickly.” I did not write that, I did not say that…you did not read it).

My biggest truth about parenting is that if children engage in an activity or mood that you dislike, look at yourself…. How are you portraying that behaviour? (Katie Byron does a great job of explaining this in her book, Loving What Is). Children learn through example…. What kind of example have I demonstrated? Ugh…the truth hurts.

But it’s so hard to rise above that…..

Parenting is hard!

And here comes that second thought: Fake it until you make it.

Take responsibility for the energy you bring into a room because children can’t. They’re too young to assume that responsibility….until you model this concept for them. I’m still struggling with this one….and my guess is, I’ll keep struggling…..  And I am hoping that the more I fake it, the more I’ll make it.

Yes, we alone are responsible for shaping our own lives, we create our worlds, we need to take ownership of our lives , stop blaming others….

But I know that’s not enough….. There is more to this whole faking it…..especially, when you’re raising children. Children know when you’re not sincere, so how is this faking it going to work? Time to throw in the towel? Or time to remind myself that YES, parenting is hard! And difficulties create great learning opportunities.

So I don’t know how you will find happiness in your own home. I like to think of happiness as a state of mind….and I can always change my mind….so when unhappiness enters, well, its time for a change.

Maybe happiness just lies in the pursuit of happiness. And the more you look for it, the more you’ll find it. I was in Zing Paperie and Design, at The Village in Park Royal yesterday and picked up a book entitled, Live Happy: Find the Joy That’s all Around you. Seriously? I thought. But I looked all around me, at all the pretty things, and it was hard not to feel just a little bit happy. A paragraph in the beginning of the book caught my eye: “Wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, you can find your happy simply by deciding to look for it, because there are always good things within reach. Cultivate a habit of noticing them.” I like that; “find your happy”. I guess I won’t find happiness if I don’t look for it. I get so busy; I forget to look. Can I find happiness at home? Can you find happiness at home? Time to start looking.

Why Take A Parenting Class?

I’ve heard it before, “I don’t need a parenting class. My child and I have a great relationship.” Great! But children grow and change. Will you be able to meet your child with the respect, dignity and understanding he deserves through his changes? Parenting classes are not just for parents that are having trouble with their kids, it’s for all parents.

Okay, so we take golf lessons when we want to learn to play golf, we’ll sign up for art classes, or photography classes, or scuba diving. We’ll get a personal trainer to help us with our career, our health. We’ll join the running club. Any thing worth doing is worth the time to gain more knowledge and do better. Why not parenting?

“Parenting is the most challenging job we will ever have and the one for which we are the least prepared.” writes Mimi Hudson, M.A., R.C.C. (http://www.familyservices.bc.ca/index.php/resource-library/parents-a-families/374-why-take-a-parenting-course). And did you know that “there has never before been a generation so stressed and so starved of nurturing adult relationship”? Writes Dr. Daniel Seigel (in Parenting from The Inside Out) about our children. “Having been a kid and having parents is not enough training. We tend to parent the way we were parented or as a reaction against it. Parenting is a process with no quick fixes”. (Mimi Hudson, M.A., R.C.C.)

Even if you try to keep up on child rearing in books, magazines, television and online, the information is confusing and contradictory. If you’re still using time-out, gold stickers, behaviour charts, and “consequences”, have you considered the “real consequences” of these quick parent fixes?

Today’s children know their rights and are entitled to be treated as equals; at least in terms of human worth and dignity. Treating our children as equals means we will treat them with dignity, respect and cooperation not rewards and punishment. This doesn’t mean we must be permissive! Adults need to be the leaders, they have the experience, skills and maturity and it’s our responsibility to guide our children.

My workshop will teach you how to lead your children.

It’s not about making a child do what we want him to do. It’s about raising capable, compassionate, hard-working individuals who feel good about who they are, enjoy meaningful relationships, and live a life full of meaning and purpose. It’s about the long haul.

Sign up for my workshop here at sensationalchildren.ca!

March SPD - Parents' Connections

Explore raising children with special needs. Each month, we will cover sections of the book, Positive Discipline: For Children With Special Needs by Jane Nelsen, Steven Foster, and Arlene Raphael.

Positive Discipline is an approach to child rearing and teaching that emphasizes helping children learn valuable social and life skills that will help them make responsible decisions that lead to a more productive and satisfying life.

Parents of children with special needs must contend with the judgments of strangers, teachers, and even members of their own families. Much of the information and suggestions they receive are about managing their children. Positive Discipline will help you raise your children.

In March, we will discuss psychiatrists Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs' belief that the primary motivation of all human beings is to belong and feel significant. Thus, a primary purpose of behaviour is to act on that motivation to achieve a sense of belonging and significance. Sometimes children make "mistakes" about how to find belonging and significance and "misbehave". We will analyze the possible mistaken beliefs that underlie children's challenging behaviours.

Register by emailing: dmastromatteo@sensationalchildren.ca